On Navigating Friendship

Written by Head of Well-being, Kerry Larby

Friendships are at the heart of adolescent life, shaping not only how young people see the world but also how they see themselves. As teenagers strive for independence – beginning to form their own identities, friendships offer a vital space for connection, support, and growth. Yet, as powerful as these relationships can be, they are also often filled with challenges – misunderstandings, conflicts, and drama, especially in the early years of adolescence.

In this blog post, I will consider why friendships are so important to adolescents and discuss what messages parents and educators can give our young people to help them build and maintain healthy friendships during their adolescent years.

Why do friendships matter so much in adolescence?

Friendships are the cornerstone of adolescent development, playing a vital role in emotional, social, and identity growth. During the often-turbulent teenage years, friends can provide essential emotional support, helping young people navigate stress, boost self-esteem, and improve mental well-being. Friendships also contribute to identity formation, offering a safe environment where teens can explore different aspects of who they are and what they value beyond their family. Through these connections, young people can find a sense of belonging and acceptance, which is critical in fostering confidence and reducing feelings of isolation.

The inevitable ups and downs of friendship also serve as a key space for learning vital social skills, such as communication, empathy, and conflict resolution. Teens can learn how to handle emotions like jealousy, frustration, and disappointment by interacting with their peers. It is through friendships they learn how to build empathy, trust, set boundaries, compromise, and cooperate. These lessons lay the vital foundation to create healthy, supportive relationships in adulthood.

What makes a healthy friendship?

In our Health curriculum, we encourage our young people to consider what a healthy friendship looks and feels like. In these discussions, students reflect on the friendships in their lives where they feel valued, heard, and supported. Students discuss and unpack important values such as open communication, respect, and trust. They also reflect on ideas such as self-respect, self-compassion, and empathy.

Trust is a value that we spend considerable time thinking about. Brené Brown’s marble jar analogy is a powerful way to explain to students how trust is built gradually over time, and how small, consistent actions can either strengthen or weaken friendships. For adolescents, the marble jar analogy helps them understand that building strong, healthy friendships takes time and effort. It emphasises that trust is created through consistent, small actions – like being kind, keeping promises, and supporting each other during difficult times. It also shows that damaging trust through gossip, exclusion, or dishonesty can quickly deplete the marbles, making it difficult to maintain the friendship.

Why is conflict inevitable in adolescent friendships?

Conflict in adolescent friendships is common due to several developmental and social factors. During adolescence, teens are navigating rapid changes in their identity, emotions, and social roles, which can make them more sensitive to misunderstandings and disagreements. They are still developing emotional regulation and communication skills, so may struggle to express their feelings clearly or resolve conflicts maturely.

Says influential child psychoanalyst, Erik Erikson, “The adolescent must find an identity while negotiating and struggling with social interactions, friendships, and their own moral values. Conflict often arises as they attempt to find their way in these relational dynamics.” Peer pressure, competition for social status, and jealousy can also contribute to tensions, as adolescents often compare themselves to their friends and feel insecure about where they fit in socially. In his book, Coddling of the American Mind, Social Psychologist Jonathan Haidt states, “The need for peer acceptance can drive adolescents to make choices that conflict with their values or cause tension in their closest friendships.”

Adolescence is also a time of tremendous change, and as teenagers grow, they outgrow some relationships. This natural evolution can be painful, leading to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Conflict in friendships is exacerbated in the online world. Sherry Turkle, a researcher on the effects of technology on relationships, argues that online communication can distort the natural give-and-take of friendships. “Adolescents are navigating friendship in a world where social media adds layers of complexity, making conflicts more visible and harder to resolve in private.”

Sadly, desire for attention, peer pressure, insecurity, lack of emotional regulation, and poor role modelling can result in some teens being mean on purpose and engaging in bullying behaviours. These actions can cause significant emotional turmoil in social groups and create negative impacts on students’ mental health and academic achievement. You can read more about our St Andrew's College approach to bullying in this blog post.

What messages do we give to our young people about friendships?

In our Pastoral Care programme and Health curriculum, we have clear messages we give to our young people about friendships. We clearly distinguish the actions students need to take if there is a disagreement in a healthy friendship, compared to someone being ‘mean on purpose’. Below is a summary of the ideas that resonate most with me. It is important to remember that the most powerful learning will be when we role model these ideas to our children in our own friendships and relationships.

1. Model Good Friendship Behaviours
   Show your teen through your own actions how to manage friendships, deal with conflicts, and offer support. By modelling respect, open communication, and boundaries, you can teach them valuable skills for their relationships.

2. Focus on the Qualities of a Healthy Friendship
   Emphasise what makes a friendship strong. In our curriculum we discuss the importance of trust, mutual support, and respect. Encourage your child to seek these qualities in their relationships, as they provide the foundation for positive, lasting friendships. Also get them to consider what actions they are taking to build trust, show respect and support. Make them an agent in their relationships.

   In Te Waka, we discuss the skill of active-constructive responding (Gable, 2004) and emphasise that great friends will respond actively and constructively when good news is shared. They will not only be there in times of challenge, but also want to celebrate the good times.  

3. Communicate Openly and Honestly
   Encourage your child to express their feelings directly and clearly when issues arise in friendships. As researcher Brené Brown wisely reminds us, "clear is kind." Being transparent – while sometimes uncomfortable is an act of kindness that can prevent misunderstandings and conflict escalation in the future.

4. Practice Empathy and Perspective-taking
   Encourage your child to see things from another's point of view. Building empathy reduces conflict, as teens learn that their friend may be going through something unknown to them, fostering understanding and kindness in response.

5. Recognise that Conflict is Normal in Relationships
   Help your child understand that conflict is a normal part of friendships and can provide opportunities for growth. When handled maturely, disagreements can strengthen bonds. Encourage your teen to become a conflict-resolver rather than a conflict-avoider. Psychologist and author, Lisa Damour advises that parents and educators should not rush to solve every problem as learning to navigate disagreements is an important developmental step for young people.

6. Set Healthy Boundaries
   Teach your child the importance of setting boundaries to ensure their relationships remain healthy and respectful. Knowing when to speak up for themselves, how to say "no," or when to take space from a friendship is essential for maintaining balanced and respectful relationships.

7. Set Boundaries in the Digital World
   With friendships moving online, it's important to maintain trust, empathy, and communication in digital interactions. We should all encourage teens to set healthy boundaries for screen time, avoid online drama, and create positive online spaces where they feel valued and respected. They need to think critically about who and what they chose to interact with, and this is a skill that comes with age and maturity. Researchers and social psychologists recommend that access to social media should be delayed and supervised and that the process should only begin at secondary school or at 13 years of age (Haidt, 2024).

8. Know when Someone is being Mean on Purpose
   Students are taught to know the difference between conflict in a healthy relationship and bullying. Bullying is a harmful and serious act that involves three features. It is deliberate, it is repetitive and involves a power imbalance in a relationship. If students feel they are the target of bullying behaviour, it is important that they reach out to someone they trust, whether it’s a family member, dean, teacher or counsellor. The Mental Health Foundation also advises standing up to the bully if it feels safe to do so.

9. Each Friendship is Different
   Children often believe that all friendships should work the same way, but it is important for them to realise that every friendship is unique because every person has different strengths. What works well in one friendship may not be effective in another. Each friendship needs its own special care and approach.

10. Understand that Friendships Change, and that’s Okay
    Help your teen accept that friendships can evolve as they grow. It’s natural for people to develop different interests or drift apart. Knowing this can help them cope with transitions in their social life. Some friendships may only last for a season, and it’s important to embrace this natural ebb and flow. Remind your children they deserve feel-good friendships and, as hard as it is, sometimes even the ‘best’ friendships change…. and that’s okay.

11. Don’t Engage in Gossip or Drama
    Discourage your child from gossiping or spreading rumours, as this behaviour can harm relationships. Encourage them to address issues directly and steer clear of unnecessary drama.

12. Quality Over Quantity
    Encourage your child to prioritise a few deep, meaningful friendships over a large number of surface-level ones. Quality friendships based on mutual support and respect will bring greater fulfilment in the long run.

13. Focus on What You Can Control
    Sometimes, young people face painful social situations, including exclusion. Support your child by acknowledging their emotions and then encourage them to focus on what they can control. This will include actions such as maintaining their values, spending time with kind people, and engaging in activities where they feel valued and supported.

In the ever-evolving landscape of adolescence, friendships remain a central part of personal growth and well-being. As young people navigate the challenges and joys of forming connections, they learn invaluable life lessons-trust, empathy, conflict resolution, and self-awareness. While these relationships can be complex and sometimes turbulent, they are also the foundation for developing the social and emotional skills that will shape adulthood.

As parents and educators, our role is to guide and support young people, helping them build friendships that are meaningful, respectful, and resilient. By fostering these values, we equip adolescents with the tools to not only maintain healthy friendships but also to build a stronger sense of self and community in the years to come.

How can you model and encourage the qualities of a healthy friendship in your own interactions with young people?