On Building Confidence

Written by Head of Well-being, Kerry Larby

One question I’m often asked by parents is how to help adolescents build more confidence. I’ve noticed this concern come up frequently in my conversations with students in Te Waka classes, as well as in the insights from their Komodo tracking results. We know that confidence plays a crucial role in how young people navigate their lives, influencing their willingness to take on challenges, form strong relationships, and develop a sense of self-assurance. Yet, genuine self-belief can feel elusive, especially during the teenage years, when self-doubt, comparison, and fear of failure can be at their peak.

In this blog post, I want to explore what confidence really is, how it develops, and what we can do, both as educators and parents, to help young people build self assurance.

What is Confidence?

Confidence is a word we use often but don’t always define. It’s commonly understood as believing in oneself, having the conviction to meet life’s challenges, and the willingness to take action. With confidence comes the expectation that things will go well and a commitment to keep trying, learn from mistakes, and give your best without giving up.

Confidence is a nuanced concept and is domain-specific. We can feel confidence in one aspect of our lives and not another.

True confidence comes from knowing yourself: your strengths, your challenges, and your ability to grow. It’s built through consistent effort, learning from mistakes, and developing resilience over time. When young people trust in their ability to face challenges and persevere, their confidence becomes stable and enduring. This kind of self-belief isn’t shaken by setbacks because it’s rooted in experience, self-awareness, and a growth mindset, not in external validation.

In contrast, surface-level confidence can look like self-assurance but lacks depth. It often depends on praise, achievements, or appearance rather than an internal sense of self-worth. The problem? If external approval disappears, so does the confidence. Without a solid foundation, it can crumble under pressure.

The Importance of Nurturing a Growth Mindset

Parents and educators can foster true confidence by nurturing a growth mindset in young people—a concept pioneered by psychologist Professor Carol Dweck. Her research shows that when students believe abilities can be developed through effort and perseverance, they become more willing to embrace challenges, take risks, and see setbacks as opportunities to learn rather than signs of failure. By shifting the focus from fixed ability to continuous growth, and providing feedback that highlights effort over innate talent, we help build resilience and confidence rooted in real progress. This empowers young people to trust in their potential, knowing that with persistence and dedication, their abilities will continue to evolve.

A teacher’s greatest joys often come from inspiring students to embrace a growth mindset and achieve what they once thought impossible. Whether it’s tackling the challenge of a Te Waka solo, stepping into leadership, or speaking at an assembly, I love witnessing students' confidence grow in real time.

Confidence is Built Through Taking Action

Confidence grows when young people are encouraged to take action and embrace risks. As our Rector, Mr Wilson, reminded us on Athletics Day, “Life is not a spectator sport.” Active participation is crucial to building confidence. At St Andrew’s College, we have endless activities that provide opportunities for our young people to step outside their comfort zones, learn from mistakes, and celebrate progress. Whether it’s mastering a chess move, improving in rowing, or delivering a speech, each experience reinforces that confidence is built through effort, persistence, and overcoming challenges. Small wins create momentum, helping students see that their abilities grow through action, fostering lasting confidence grounded in real experiences.

Confident People Celebrate the Small Wins

For parents and educators, building true confidence means helping young people recognise and celebrate their small wins. As the famous 5th-century Chinese proverb says, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” Confidence grows when individuals acknowledge their progress, no matter how small, and emotionally internalise their successes. This process strengthens neural pathways that reinforce positive thinking and activate the brain’s reward system.

Over the years, I’ve seen highly talented students who only consider perfection a success, while others, perhaps less naturally gifted but more confident, embrace progress as a victory. This contrast highlights an important lesson: confidence isn’t about flawless performance but about shifting our focus to celebrate growth, effort, and improvement as real achievements. It’s about celebrating our “wins”.

As psychologist Rick Hanson reminds us, we often have a narrow view of what counts as a “win.” True confidence comes from redefining success—not just in terms of outcomes, but in valuing the process, effort, and perseverance that lead to growth.

The Importance of Friends and Family

Parents and educators play a vital role in building true confidence by encouraging young people to foster a supportive social network. We all need a "support crew." Family and friends who cheer us on, celebrate our wins, and recognise our strengths are crucial to developing self-belief. Just as importantly, these are the people who also stand by us during setbacks, offering encouragement rather than judgment.

Being surrounded by people who are overly critical, set unrealistic expectations, or constantly compare our efforts to others can damage confidence. Similarly, when others project their own fears onto us or try to shield us from challenges, it limits our growth. True support comes from those who believe in our potential, encourage us to take risks, and remind us that setbacks are a natural part of progress.

The Role of Responsibility and Independence

Confidence also develops when students take ownership of their experiences. Assigning them responsibilities, whether stepping into a leadership role in a co-curricular group, organising an event, or taking care of their own commitments, reinforces their sense of competence. Parents and educators can support this by encouraging independence in manageable ways, such as letting students pack their own bags for activities, negotiate conflict, or take on small household tasks. These everyday moments build confidence by showing students they are trusted and capable.

Navigating Social Media

Adolescence, especially for girls, often brings a dip in confidence as self-consciousness and social comparison intensify, amplified by social media. In this environment, external validation can feel more important than personal growth, making it essential to nurture a growth mindset and encourage involvement in real-world activities. Genuine confidence is built through experiences, challenges, and achievements—not through likes and follows.

This is one reason that experts such as Jonathan Haidt recommend that students avoid independent access to social media until age 16. You can read more about Jonathan Haidt's work here. In Te Waka, we support students to curate a social media feed that builds confidence by following content that fosters personal growth, self-compassion, and inspiring role models. When young people create an online space that prioritises progress and well-being, they are uplifted rather than trapped in cycles of comparison and perfectionism.

At St Andrew’s College, we see confidence as more than just self-belief. It’s about how students approach challenges, take responsibility, and persist in the face of setbacks. A growth mindset and active engagement in the many character-building opportunities our school offers, whether through academics, leadership, service, or co-curricular activities, provide the foundation for lasting self-assurance. As students transition through school and beyond, their confidence will not come solely from what they achieve, but from the knowledge that they can grow, adapt, and rise to new challenges. By fostering these experiences, we empower young people with the resilience and self-belief they need not just to succeed, but to thrive in an ever-changing world.

What is one small step you can take today to help a young person build their confidence?

Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. W. H. Freeman and Company.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.

Haidt, J. (2018). The anxious generation: How today's young people are struggling with mental health and what we can do about it. Penguin Books.

Hansen, R & F. (Host). (2023, August 16th). How to Improve Confidence and Self-Worth [Audio podcast episode]. In The Being Well Podcast.

Yeager, D. S., & Dweck, C. S. (2012). Mindsets that promote resilience: When students believe that personal characteristics can be developed. Educational Psychologist, 47(4), 302–314.